Niren Tolsi and Ben Fogel

On Thursday, Democratic Alliance (DA) spokesperson Rupert Whyte-Smith, in between sips of his flat white purchased from Truth.Coffee in East City (the area formerly known as District Six), informed assembled journalists that a recent spate of racist crimes in Cape Town was driven by education refugees from the Eastern Cape.

According to Whyte-Smith, the refugees invaded the city to study at “our very own wannabe-Harvard-on-the-hill”, also known as the University of Cape Town (UCT). Or, as several black academics at the institution have dubbed it, “that racist colonial backwater reminiscent of Kenya’s ‘White Mischief’”.

“The DA will not be held responsible for the excellence of our education system, especially when compared with the failed state north of the border,” railed Whyte-Smith.

Whyte-Smith said the provincial and local government would “never apologise for the high education standards we have set and that the institutional values of our ‘wannabe-Harvard’ appear to been successfully assimilated by our students”.

Whyte-Smith’s comments came in the wake of yet another racist attack involving UCT students – the second in recent months. This week, three young men – Chad de Matos, 19, Aaron Mack, 20, and Mitchell Turner, 20 – were charged with attempted murder, assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm, and crimen injuria in the Wynberg Magistrate’s Court following a violent attack on 52-year-old cleaner and mother of six, Delia Adonis.

News of the attack at Stadium on Main in Claremont follows another incident involving UCT student, Boss Models South Africa model and self-confessed scion of a “rich” daddy, Djavan Arrigone, who allegedly pissed on a taxi-driver, Michelle Nomgcana, from the balcony of the Tiger Tiger nightclub at Stadium on Main.

According to witnesses, Arrigone had made his profound empathy for the black condition in South Africa known immediately after the alleged assault: “I don’t care … I can pee anywhere I want to and I don’t care if it is [on] a black man,” he is reported to have allegedly said.

All three boys who have been charged hail from the Eastern Cape, and one of them is understood to be a student at UCT. They had all apparently been drinking at Tiger Tiger on October 17, when the alleged assault of Adonis took place.

“We are proud of our outstanding nightlife, with Tiger Tiger being a fine example of this. The ease of cocaine procurement and the low conviction rate for drunken brawling and date rape in the university precinct, our research has shown, is another draw card to this knob-end of Africa,” said Whyte-Smith.

State prosecutor Nathan Johnson had reportedly told the court during the trio’s appearance that Adonis had witnessed the five people “leave Tiger Tiger nightclub and beat up another patron. After helping the victim by alerting law enforcement officers, Adonis was attacked by the five men, who also verbally abused her with racial slurs.”

“She was kicked on her head and face and could not move. If her son had not intervened, she could have been killed. After reporting the matter, she was contacted by a detective, who offered her money to drop the charges. The detective then contacted the court to say Adonis had dropped the charges.”

“They kneed me to the ground and kicked me in my ribs and all over my body. The blood was flowing all over my face. I have stitches on my eye and I couldn’t even see properly,” Adonis reportedly said.

Whyte-Smith, however, called on the ANC to “stop sending these Eastern Cape criminals here to undermine the post-racial marketing-hack utopia we have created in Cape Town”.

“The ANC’s reasoning is most obvious: Why? Because, Nkandla.”

“I don’t understand why people are in denial about our post-racial society here in Cape Town,” said Whyte-Smith. “If they just got on with accepting it then these acts of violence against woman and black people wouldn’t happen. We’d be post-racial,” he said, smirking.

Whyte-Smith announced that the city was considering passing new bylaws to enforce post-racialism. He could neither confirm nor deny that artist Michael Elion had scrawled little hearts on the cover page of the proposal for the new bylaws.

Western Cape premier and DA caudillo Helen Zille was apparently unavailable for the press conference, although an aide confided to The Con that she was “too busy bullying junior DA members on Twitter to play games with the media. She takes being the opposition seriously, even if it’s just in the playground sandpit the party has installed for the youth at HQ.”

Whyte-Smith then handed over the press conference to Christy Bessot-Watkins, the spokesperson for the World Design Capital and Macklemore fan: “Relentless social media-hating on public artworks is stirring racial tensions. Madiba didn’t liberate us for this!” she screamed at the assembled journalists while furiously tweeting photographs of shapes she was making with her freshly pedicured toenails.

The journalists duly retweeted the photographs.

“We are a golden shower away from a race genocide that will make Rwanda look like a cupcake bake-off! If only people would take Michael Elion’s cute little hearts to heart we can heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race,” she added.

The journalists duly retweeted her photographed attempt at a Christmas tree by bringing her feet together on their sides, toe-to-toe.

“Say a prayer. Pray for the other ones at Christmas time. It’s hard, but while you are having fun there is a world outside, through Elion’s gigantic glasses in Sea Point, and it’s a world of dread and fear. Do they know it’s Christmas in Cape Town? Is the only hope they have being alive?” asked Bessot-Watkins, tears streaming down her face until she could no longer continue, leaving the gathered hacks wondering if she was referring to Cape Town’s gang-related violence, Bob Geldof’s Ebola song or had merely dislocated her toes.

A Wail & Guardian online reporter was overheard muttering: “What a great listicle this will make: ‘Seven ways to stop a future Cape Town race war’”.

A journalist from The Cape Crimes was too busy “liking” food-porn and photographs of the paper’s owner in yoga positions on Freakbook to bother asking any questions.

Following a double-shot of Resurrection Espresso, Bessot-Watkins gathered herself long enough to add: “This sort of negative publicity undermines our vision of turning Cape Town into a world-class city of faux-yankee hipster diners, overpriced fair-trade coffee chains and galleries showing artworks that Vice magazine considered aesthetically hip in 2008”.

The journalists had, by then, switched off from the press conference and started following the Twitter reruns of the Oscar Pistorius trial by other journalists who were retweeting “oldies but goodies” from their timeline to punt a hastily written book about the trial.

One hack reported that when one of the three accused was asked about his motivations for the attack on Adonis, he claimed he had seen a vision of Jacob Zuma and Charles Manson during an acid trip at Groovy Troopers, and that they had told him it was his mission in life to start a race war: “It was a lag, bru”.

Another had allegedly stated that he “couldn’t possibly be racist. I’m from the Eastern Cape. I speak Xhosa.”

Johnson said there had been 10 cases of race-based violence in the city over the past few months that made it to the prosecutor’s office.

John Cane-Beerman of the South African Institute of Race Relations told The Con: “Blacks and coloureds attract racial attacks by their lack of entrepreneurial spirit and a growing a culture of entitlement. If only the ANC got rid of Nazi BEE and social grants, racial violence would no longer plague the Mother City.”

Bon Iver Vegter, a resident of Knysna, refused to answer questions about his libertarian-cult summer camp’s connections to these attacks, as one of the accused allegedly spent his holidays there reading Ayn Rand and learning how to tie-dye wife-beaters.

Former DA Obergruppenführer JP Smiff furiously denied allegations that he was behind an attempt to create a paramilitary death squad in Kenilworth that aimed to cleanse undesirable elements, including black residents, from the area and was trafficking cocaine to fund the operation.

A legal expert, Bill Uncouth, ordered champagne for everyone at the Wynberg Magistrate’s Court, lit up a thick Soprano-esque stogie and confided in The Con: “Man, defending all these privileged, dumb-ass kids is going to make me a baller. There are so many of them out there, I’m gonna be the Nelson Mandela of getting white boys off assault charges.”

Warning: This is satire. Most characters are imaginary, as are their quotes. But, the incidents described are very real. As are the quotes attributed to witnesses, Adonis, the state prosecutor, and allegedly made by Arrigone – we couldn’t make up that sort of fucked up shit.
Main photograph:  White youth give the salute at some music festival in Cape Town… or is it a nefarious re-education camp with fascist undertones? Nope, that may just be the whole of Cape Town – Courtesy of Cape Town Tourism


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9 Responses to “Refugees Cause Cape Town Race Wars”

  1. Pale & Confused
    November 28, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    Fuck white people, I’m sick of their shit.

    The middle-class dinner table innuendos, the subtle but brutal comments, the verskrik body language at anyone darker than beige, the fake fucking Woolworths reality they live in, the kak music they listen to, the uptight attitudes, the horries hairdos, their stoepkakkertjie dogs, and their lilywhite paranoia. Fuck their yoga, fuck their flat whites, fuck their artisan markets, fuck their pouting selfies, fuck their holidays in Tuscany, fuck their French manicures, fuck their spoilt brat laaities, fuck their snotty book launches, fuck their craft beer, fuck those stupid little goddamn cocktail sausages, fuck cricket, fuck crudites, fuck canapes, fuck croquet, fuck crochet and fuck their yachts.

    Wakey wakey, honkies – this is Africa, get with the program!

    I’m a white male. And I’m fucking confused. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to be black, but it would at least be a pleasant change to be something that’s not the target of jets of heated hate. Being white is kak. It’s a kak place to be, but there’s no getting away from it, unless you resort to spray tan, which is another in a long line of kak white inventions. It’s even worse that most white people truly believe that the sun shines out of their bleached assholes.

    Everything we knew is a lie, everything we want to be is somewhere else or in the past, everybody hates us (can’t really blame them, we fucked everything up after all) and we have nowhere to go – other than behind these godforsaken jailhouse walls.

    Refugees? Too right.

    Fucking hell, it’s enough to drive you to drink.

    But never EVER at Tiger fucking Tiger.

    • Brad Lee
      December 1, 2014 at 9:38 am #

      You’re right, you are confused. Colonialism was evil, and barbaric. But there’s a simple reason why it succeeded for so long. Africa is a vast, rich continent, with a rich and textured history back through the centuries….off war and blood. It failed, apart from the Arabic nations of the north, to produce a long string of innovations/inventions that made the colonisers of Europe what they were. Seafaring, engineering, clean water, steam/electric/gas power, written histories, governance, windmills, plumbing…the list goes on and on. The eastern nations, developed their own technologies. And then east met west, and both prospered. If the people of africa had spent half the time they spent killing eachother, developing their education and interacting with the northern and eastern cultures, they probably could have invaded and conquered Europe a thousand years ago. Instead, they didn’t lift their heads long enough from the trough of “dog eat dog” to even build a boat or wagon train with which to explore the world.
      The down side, is that the superior technology of the white europeans, bred an arrogant, brutal side. This caused them to behave like pigs when they spread through the third world, sewing mayhem, and treating blacks like sub-humans. Nevertheless, you are the product of a culture that saved the human race from perpetuating the stone age, and brought enlightenment to a dark and savage continent.
      By all means, shed the arrogance of the colonial mindset, but never forget where you came from…Europe is still a beacon of hope and light, which is why 165 000 refugees crossed the atlantic, this year alone. (UNHCR figures)

      • Witou
        December 1, 2014 at 12:04 pm #

        Oh Brad, not that old ‘white people invented everything that’s good, so be thankful of your pink skin, motherfucker’ argument.

        Are you aware that long before Europeans set foot in Africa, there were thousands of years’ worth of civilised empires which traded across North Africa, down the Rift Valley and into what’s now modern South Africa?

        Google it.

        Are you aware of the massive range of innovations that emerged from the various dynasties and caliphates of North Africa – among them developments in architecture, chemistry, astrology, navigation and mathematics?

        Google it.

        Or are you just regurgitating what you learned at school, from books written by Europeans, designed to reinforce the idea that Europeans were the source of all the technologies and innovations that we now consider ‘civilised’?

        If it’s ‘civilised’ behaviour you associate with our forebears, perhaps take the time to consider the slaughter and murder that colonisation required in order to pacify indigenous people across the globe in pursuit of European domination. The Conquistadors were but one example, but let me tell you: the Portuguese, Dutch and British all applied exactly the same brutality right here in good old SA.

        Or do you think it was all achieved by having a nice chat over cup of fucking tea?

        • Brad Lee
          December 1, 2014 at 1:05 pm #

          History stands as it does Witou, I’ve done my research. Those “thousands of years worth of civilised empires” must have:

          a) All been scared of water, as none of them left the continent…until the Arabs introduced the dhow. They then learned to scuttle up and down the coast. Even the Polynesian islanders crossed oceans.
          b) Forgotten to write anything down.
          c) Proved my point, by leaving no lasting legacy.

          and incedentally, caliphates is of muslim extraction. Which is precisely who created these little kingdoms in africa, arabs, the first colonists…and they too fell

          Say what you like Witou, nothing of substance ever came out of Africa. Any people that progressed to a civilised state, were instantly destroyed by the surrounding hordes of barbarians who next came across them. Africa always was about “kill or be killed” and even in modern rural SA, anyone who rises up financially, instantly moved to the city, or builds a fortress like Nkandla.

          And as for colonial barbarism, that’s exactly what I said in my response to my “pale” friend…it’s to be ashamed of, by the countries who perpetrated it. But it doesn’t change any facts about africa. Colonialism flourished because of a lack of any meaningful opposition…It’s one meaningful legacy is that it forced africans to get organised and achieve some progress of their own. The jury is still out on when that will lead to any kind of global strength.

          Africa has the land for agriculture, the minerals for industrialization and the population figures to dominate the globe, and still it flounders. Every single disaster/famine/plague such as the recent ebola virus, brings out the begging bowl for aid from the west or the east. When is africa going to send food aid to europe? When will africa send peacekeepers or aid workers to another continent? Never

          • Witou
            December 1, 2014 at 2:42 pm #

            Ag no Brad, why do you have to prove yourself so ignorant?

            a) Heard of the Andaman Islands? Ever wondered where the Aborigines of Australia, or the indigenous peoples of Papua New Guinea came from? Damn, they musta used Virgin fucking Atlantic. Google.
            b) Amharic, Tifinagh, Ge’ez, Egyptian heiroglyphs (thousands of years before Europeans wrote anything) and Meroitic – all African written languages. Google them.
            c) The Ashanti Kingdom, Mapungubwe (you might have heard about that), the Fulani…there are many, many others. Maybe Google them too.

            A ‘lack of any meaningful opposition’? What are you talking about? Every colonial incursion was met with fierce resistance – check the historical records. What the hell do you think the Frontier War was about? The Anglo-Zulu War, maybe? Come on, now – not having guns (invented by the Chinese, they were) does NOT constitute a lack of meaningful opposition.

            The facts are, Brad, that the systematic destruction of African nation-states over 400 years left the continent’s people broken and scattered – and their indigenous systems of trade corrupted into servicing colonial interests. This has been a thoroughly successful campaign, so much so that even after many African countries gained independence, their surest means of acquiring much-needed dollars, pounds and nowadays renminbi are to export raw minerals.

            That’s the greater story to be told – the story of how it pays for the rest of the world to keep Africa in debt and servitude so labour and resources remain easily acquired and cheap as fuck. There’s another aspect even more insidious: European nations – and increasingly, the Chinese – have routinely supported coups throughout Africa in order to knock off anyone that resists the status quo. Ever heard of Patrice fucking Lumumba? No? How about the support the US and UK provided to the SA government on account of the ‘swart gevaar’? No?

            These statements:
            - “nothing of substance ever came out of Africa”
            - “Any people that progressed to a civilised state, were instantly destroyed by the surrounding hordes of barbarians”
            - “kill or be killed”

            betray a lack of knowledge, which I can’t entirely hold you to blame for – as I said earlier, that’s the impression created by standard colonial education material. But for assuming that was the natural state of affairs, that’s simply ignorance. What we have now, in 2014, is an entire continent that has been brutalised beyond recognition. That, you can lay at the feet of those who started the process, not Africans themselves. This is not to say that Africa was populated by gentle folk who wouldn’t raise a fist in violence, but if it’s “hordes of barbarians” you want to speak of, how about the Holocaust, in which not a single African was involved? No? How about the Crimean War, in which 350 000 died, none by African hands. How about World War 1? World War II? Do you really mean to say that Europeans have are or were not brutal, or barbaric?

            Come now, Brad. Don’t simply react by defending what you think to be the truth. Take the time to dig into the historical record. Question what you know to be the accepted ‘truth’. Often, you’ll be very surprised to learn that what we were taught in school is only a fragment of the bigger picture. It’s not all happy ‘natives’ and prosperous pioneers. There’s a lot of dirt and blood beneath the surface – and it’s not easy to acknowledge, as a white person, but it is the reality.

            And this is where I find myself – confused, but at least I’m confronting the shit that’s smeared across our history – and every other South African of European extraction with any conscience at all should be having the same crisis of memory and identity. Without that soul-searching and re-assessment, your contribution to the future of this country will continue to be headlines that betray an undercurrent of racism that’s thinly veneered by gentility and self-imposed amnesia.

            That’s it for me, here, on this thread. I’ve given you the time and info. It’s now up to you to think, for yourself.

        • Brad Lee
          December 1, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

          Good discussion…there were no insults and name calling, just as it should be. Enjoyed talking to you.

  2. Brad Lee
    November 28, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

    If you’re going to write a parody…write it well.

  3. Morena Thabo
    November 29, 2014 at 10:50 am #

    Sounds like a mixture of jealousy, culture class and some people with too much money and too little self control.

  4. Marino
    December 1, 2014 at 1:16 pm #

    Main photograph: White youth give the salute at some music festival in Cape Town – some non-white faces in that crowd too – why are you excluding them from the caption? Doh!