Niren Tolsi and Ben Fogel

On Thursday, Democratic Alliance (DA) spokesperson Rupert Whyte-Smith, in between sips of his flat white purchased from Truth.Coffee in East City (the area formerly known as District Six), informed assembled journalists that a recent spate of racist crimes in Cape Town was driven by education refugees from the Eastern Cape.

According to Whyte-Smith, the refugees invaded the city to study at “our very own wannabe-Harvard-on-the-hill”, also known as the University of Cape Town (UCT). Or, as several black academics at the institution have dubbed it, “that racist colonial backwater reminiscent of Kenya’s ‘White Mischief’”.

“The DA will not be held responsible for the excellence of our education system, especially when compared with the failed state north of the border,” railed Whyte-Smith.

Whyte-Smith said the provincial and local government would “never apologise for the high education standards we have set and that the institutional values of our ‘wannabe-Harvard’ appear to been successfully assimilated by our students”.

Whyte-Smith’s comments came in the wake of yet another racist attack involving UCT students – the second in recent months. This week, three young men – Chad de Matos, 19, Aaron Mack, 20, and Mitchell Turner, 20 – were charged with attempted murder, assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm, and crimen injuria in the Wynberg Magistrate’s Court following a violent attack on 52-year-old cleaner and mother of six, Delia Adonis.

News of the attack at Stadium on Main in Claremont follows another incident involving UCT student, Boss Models South Africa model and self-confessed scion of a “rich” daddy, Djavan Arrigone, who allegedly pissed on a taxi-driver, Michelle Nomgcana, from the balcony of the Tiger Tiger nightclub at Stadium on Main.

According to witnesses, Arrigone had made his profound empathy for the black condition in South Africa known immediately after the alleged assault: “I don’t care … I can pee anywhere I want to and I don’t care if it is [on] a black man,” he is reported to have allegedly said.

All three boys who have been charged hail from the Eastern Cape, and one of them is understood to be a student at UCT. They had all apparently been drinking at Tiger Tiger on October 17, when the alleged assault of Adonis took place.

“We are proud of our outstanding nightlife, with Tiger Tiger being a fine example of this. The ease of cocaine procurement and the low conviction rate for drunken brawling and date rape in the university precinct, our research has shown, is another draw card to this knob-end of Africa,” said Whyte-Smith.

State prosecutor Nathan Johnson had reportedly told the court during the trio’s appearance that Adonis had witnessed the five people “leave Tiger Tiger nightclub and beat up another patron. After helping the victim by alerting law enforcement officers, Adonis was attacked by the five men, who also verbally abused her with racial slurs.”

“She was kicked on her head and face and could not move. If her son had not intervened, she could have been killed. After reporting the matter, she was contacted by a detective, who offered her money to drop the charges. The detective then contacted the court to say Adonis had dropped the charges.”

“They kneed me to the ground and kicked me in my ribs and all over my body. The blood was flowing all over my face. I have stitches on my eye and I couldn’t even see properly,” Adonis reportedly said.

Whyte-Smith, however, called on the ANC to “stop sending these Eastern Cape criminals here to undermine the post-racial marketing-hack utopia we have created in Cape Town”.

“The ANC’s reasoning is most obvious: Why? Because, Nkandla.”

“I don’t understand why people are in denial about our post-racial society here in Cape Town,” said Whyte-Smith. “If they just got on with accepting it then these acts of violence against woman and black people wouldn’t happen. We’d be post-racial,” he said, smirking.

Whyte-Smith announced that the city was considering passing new bylaws to enforce post-racialism. He could neither confirm nor deny that artist Michael Elion had scrawled little hearts on the cover page of the proposal for the new bylaws.

Western Cape premier and DA caudillo Helen Zille was apparently unavailable for the press conference, although an aide confided to The Con that she was “too busy bullying junior DA members on Twitter to play games with the media. She takes being the opposition seriously, even if it’s just in the playground sandpit the party has installed for the youth at HQ.”

Whyte-Smith then handed over the press conference to Christy Bessot-Watkins, the spokesperson for the World Design Capital and Macklemore fan: “Relentless social media-hating on public artworks is stirring racial tensions. Madiba didn’t liberate us for this!” she screamed at the assembled journalists while furiously tweeting photographs of shapes she was making with her freshly pedicured toenails.

The journalists duly retweeted the photographs.

“We are a golden shower away from a race genocide that will make Rwanda look like a cupcake bake-off! If only people would take Michael Elion’s cute little hearts to heart we can heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race,” she added.

The journalists duly retweeted her photographed attempt at a Christmas tree by bringing her feet together on their sides, toe-to-toe.

“Say a prayer. Pray for the other ones at Christmas time. It’s hard, but while you are having fun there is a world outside, through Elion’s gigantic glasses in Sea Point, and it’s a world of dread and fear. Do they know it’s Christmas in Cape Town? Is the only hope they have being alive?” asked Bessot-Watkins, tears streaming down her face until she could no longer continue, leaving the gathered hacks wondering if she was referring to Cape Town’s gang-related violence, Bob Geldof’s Ebola song or had merely dislocated her toes.

A Wail & Guardian online reporter was overheard muttering: “What a great listicle this will make: ‘Seven ways to stop a future Cape Town race war’”.

A journalist from The Cape Crimes was too busy “liking” food-porn and photographs of the paper’s owner in yoga positions on Freakbook to bother asking any questions.

Following a double-shot of Resurrection Espresso, Bessot-Watkins gathered herself long enough to add: “This sort of negative publicity undermines our vision of turning Cape Town into a world-class city of faux-yankee hipster diners, overpriced fair-trade coffee chains and galleries showing artworks that Vice magazine considered aesthetically hip in 2008”.

The journalists had, by then, switched off from the press conference and started following the Twitter reruns of the Oscar Pistorius trial by other journalists who were retweeting “oldies but goodies” from their timeline to punt a hastily written book about the trial.

One hack reported that when one of the three accused was asked about his motivations for the attack on Adonis, he claimed he had seen a vision of Jacob Zuma and Charles Manson during an acid trip at Groovy Troopers, and that they had told him it was his mission in life to start a race war: “It was a lag, bru”.

Another had allegedly stated that he “couldn’t possibly be racist. I’m from the Eastern Cape. I speak Xhosa.”

Johnson said there had been 10 cases of race-based violence in the city over the past few months that made it to the prosecutor’s office.

John Cane-Beerman of the South African Institute of Race Relations told The Con: “Blacks and coloureds attract racial attacks by their lack of entrepreneurial spirit and a growing a culture of entitlement. If only the ANC got rid of Nazi BEE and social grants, racial violence would no longer plague the Mother City.”

Bon Iver Vegter, a resident of Knysna, refused to answer questions about his libertarian-cult summer camp’s connections to these attacks, as one of the accused allegedly spent his holidays there reading Ayn Rand and learning how to tie-dye wife-beaters.

Former DA Obergruppenführer JP Smiff furiously denied allegations that he was behind an attempt to create a paramilitary death squad in Kenilworth that aimed to cleanse undesirable elements, including black residents, from the area and was trafficking cocaine to fund the operation.

A legal expert, Bill Uncouth, ordered champagne for everyone at the Wynberg Magistrate’s Court, lit up a thick Soprano-esque stogie and confided in The Con: “Man, defending all these privileged, dumb-ass kids is going to make me a baller. There are so many of them out there, I’m gonna be the Nelson Mandela of getting white boys off assault charges.”

Warning: This is satire. Most characters are imaginary, as are their quotes. But, the incidents described are very real. As are the quotes attributed to witnesses, Adonis, the state prosecutor, and allegedly made by Arrigone – we couldn’t make up that sort of fucked up shit.
Main photograph:  White youth give the salute at some music festival in Cape Town… or is it a nefarious re-education camp with fascist undertones? Nope, that may just be the whole of Cape Town – Courtesy of Cape Town Tourism

 

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